Anyone who knows me well will know that I battle with anxiety. I always have. I had trauma in my early years and then a chaotic childhood. Apparently this contributes a great deal to anxiety disorders. Over the years, I did much counselling and much healing but it was never enough to eradicate the anxiety and hyper-vigilance in my life. I have always been incredibily observant and I rarely ‘miss a beat.’ In fact, it is quite annoying to lots of people. I meticulously plan everything out and I rarely deviate from routines. I have knots in my shoulders and neck and I have even developed tendonitis as a result. I have always been able to manage my stress and anxiety with a small supply of ativan – not anymore.
Since my really bad bout with colitis, I have not been the same. My anxiety has escalated to the point where I am having muscle spasms, knots in my shoulders that can’t be removed and my jaw has been so sore because I keep it tensed. And then there is the fatigue – it has been so hard to work everyday with this level of stress and anxiety. Apparently chronic and serious illness also contributes to the development of an anxiety disorder.
Finally I went to my doctor a couple of weeks ago and she diagnosed a Generalized Anxiety Disorder. She started me on medication. One medication for a short time to get me through until the other one kicks in. I am now on 3 meds for anxiety. The good news is I am steadily feeling better. They symptoms of stress and anxiety are slowly melting away and I have actually ‘missed a few beats.’ What has really surprised me is the actual physical manifestations of mental illness.
Now, some of you may wonder why I would blog about this. I believe there is no shame in mental illness. I will blog openly about it as I have about my colitis. The more of us who come out and say we have these illnesses the less power there is in the stigma. I really don’t care who knows and I will talk openly about it to whoever wants to hear. Maybe someone else will get treatment as a result.