Dear Swamp Rats – I am not the pied piper. I will not lead you anywhere. I am only going to the bathroom. Honest. Oh, and FYI, I can do it by myself – I have had a lot of practice but I appreciate your concern. Now, on to some other issues:
1. When I get up to go somewhere in the house it is unnecessary for you to get up and follow me. With at least 5 of you trying to everywhere, we are going nowhere in a hurry. 22 legs makes for a very crowded space and prevents me from actually reaching my destination. Tripping is a real hazard especially when we are moving along and one of you decides to stop. Right in front of me. For no particular reason. Oh and I have news for you all – YOU ARE NOT PSYCHIC!!! Please do not walk in front of me and try to anticipate where I am going to go. All this does is impede my progress and causes me stress!
2. Food – just because I have food does not mean that you have food. Sometimes I would like to be able to enjoy a meal without 20 eyes staring at me, hard. At times I can even hear the faint strains of the music from “Jaws” playing in the background. I do not covet your food and I would appreciate if you reciprocated. Oh and if food is on a PLATE and on a TABLE it is meant for human consumption, not k-9.
3. Rain – we all hate the rain. No one likes to get wet first thing in the morning. However, you must still go outside to do your bizness. I will go with you so we can all be miserable together but I will expect that you actually do what you need to do and not run up to the back door and whine to get back in. Come on, I am happy to meet you half-way here. It would also be appreciated if you could do your bizness in a timely manner (Piper). Oh and Piper, I have news for you! You are a dog and not a cow. You need to spend less time grazing and more time peeing!
4. Running into the back of my knees is not a good idea (Kiefer). I have enough difficulty staying upright without you knocking me off my feet! Running into me on the stairs is equally annoying as well – just in case you were wondering.
5. Madison – it would be great if you stopped trying to kill me. You have been at it for about 10 years and it is getting old. Standing up as I try to step over you does not bode well for my personal safety. What you don’t know (or maybe you don’t care) is the main reason you came to live with us is because I pursued your adoption with ARF. We know that you would have rather been an only dog but that was not your luck.
6. Zoe and Gemma – what is it about dogs from the North? We are all for formerly abused dogs becoming self-actualized but you two take it too far. Is it necessary to lay on the table in the dining room. I must admit you look very cute there but I have to say that it is probably not a good idea. Especially given that your main reason for being up there is a more comfortable view to look out the window and bark.
That is all I can think of right now. However, I do reserve the right to add to this list as time goes on!