Everything has been so hectic since I got out of the hospital. I have been inundated with things to do at work, deadlines to meet etc. It feels like I have barely had time to breathe let alone relax for 5 minutes. I am hoping that now the last of the work things are done until the new year I can breathe. I need some time to catch my breath and continue to recover from my earlier hospitalization.
It has also become apparent that I need to learn to deal with my mother better. I keep seeking her approval and she keeps shooting me down. I think I was right the day I told her, through many tears, that she would only be proud of me when I weighed 125 pounds. I should have kept that understanding rather than thinking one of my accomplishments might earn me the acceptance I crave. So, I will be seeing a counsellor in the new year as I need to cope better with my mother. Unlike Deb who would just cut her out I cannot do that or let me re-phrase – I won’t do that. All this means I need to deal with her differently so that I don’t set myself up for the fat hatred that comes my way.
I feel like I have been a rabbit in a wheel. I desperately want some quiet time to just listen music and play computer games. Part of the reason I have not had that time lately is that I need to sleep for at least 12 hours in order to function. With only 12 hours left in the day for everything else there is no time left over for self-care. I am done work on Wednesday until January 4. I intend to do a lot of sleeping, a lot of tv watching and I hope a lot of listening to music.
PS Deb and Angelina – thank you so much for today. I appreciate and love you both!