Obligation

This has been the week from hell. My sister was an asshole and yelled and screamed at me on the phone. Then my mother made one of her damaging comments which upset me. I have also blogged about how my mother wants a perfect Christmas. This has all come together in a perfect storm.

When I called my mother yesterday she wanted to talk to Deb. I told her that Deb was at work and not home yet. So, she asked us to call tonight so she could talk to Deb. Deb is mad, and rightfully so, at the way they have treated me lately. She does not understand why I continue relationships with them. I do so out of obligation.

This sense of obligation has been pounded into me since I can remember. My mother visited my great-grandmother in her nursing home every Tuesday. As kids we were made to go as well even thought we hated it. It was an obligation. Through my twenties, the sense of obligation extended to my grandmother. I was expected to help her even though she was mean and nasty to me. When my step-father had cancer I was expected to do what I could. This involved dropping everything several times to go to Calgary and/or Radium to help. Both Deb and I did everything possible for them up until he died and after.

Now, I phone my mother every day, without fail. Yes, it is a trial and she never really wants to hear anything about my life it is all about her and telling me all the trials and tribulations of my sister’s life. It does get a little monotonous listening to her go on all the time. Pretty much the only time she wants my opinion is when it comes to computers and other tech issues. She will seek my advice when she has a problem.

I do these things because I have an obligation to my family. I can’t seem to make Deb understand how this works. The only other person who gets it is my sister. I wish she could understand because it puts more pressure on me when my mother wants to talk to her. The issue is further complicated by the fact that my mother is very fond of Deb. My mother gets that Deb hates to talk on the phone so that works for most of the time. However, holidays, birthdays etc., my mother expects a phone call.

I wish I could come up with a solution. I think some counselling is in order as I have mentioned before and I will be following up with the counsellor. I just wish that it did not make things so tough for Deb and me. I guess, as Deb says, we will have to agree to disagree.

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Published in: on December 24, 2009 at 10:13 pm  Comments (2)  
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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Deb understands your sense of obligation perfectly, she just thinks it is misguided. Not understanding and not agreeing are two totally different matters. You would never take this abuse from anyone else, lover, and you don’t have to take it from them.

  2. I have a partner who doesn’t understand why I am trying to work out my issues with my mother. I am trying to be an adult and because my mother is elderly I want to make things right with her before she passes away. Some people just don’t get this.

    I should mention that there are very few things her and I agree on..wish we could find a good counsellor. The holidays were anything but happy and I am feeling depressed about my entire life.


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