Mothers have great power. Some mothers choose to use their power for good. They support and empower their children. Good mothers recognize and celebrate the strengths and accomplishments of their children while supporting them through any difficulties they may experience. Sadly, I do not have a mother like this.
Instead, I have a mother who belittles me at every opportunity. Deb says it is because she can’t stand how smart I am. She knows I am sick and today is a particularly bad day. I have to take powerful laxatives from time to time to make sure that my system does not cease up due to medication. I can’t take the medication I need if things are not moving. This is actually not a colitis symptom. I also have Irritable Bowel Syndrome which, of course, exacerbates the whole situation. Someone accidentally tracked poop in the house. Deb said she would clean it up but instead my mother handed me a brush and the carpet cleaner and said “here this will keep you out of trouble.” She knows I am sick, really sick today and bending straight over at the waist puts huge pressure on my sciatica and my bowel. Agony. I was in tears.
She has an ability to make me cry easily. Over the years, I have gotten better and she is not really as able to do this but not right now. I am not strong right now. I know that. I knew that before we got here. Most years I am really good at keeping the peace. I am not able to do that this year. I am also not able to see the little pitfalls she puts in my place. She has managed to pack more crap into 2 days than she usually does in a 4 or 5 day visit.
My anxiety level is completely ramped up because of pain and my lack of emotional stability. She has a way of getting me when I least expect and she can seriously destroy my self-esteem when I am here. This brings up all sorts of negative thoughts I would not think otherwise. I think part of the reason I embrace work while I am here is because it is a touchstone for me that brings me back to my reality. My mom is out with Deb (poor Deb) doing some errands. I will be back under control by the time they get back because I will not allow that women to know that I cried.
I am also so grateful that Deb stayed. I told her she could go to be with Kirby if necessary but of course I did not want her to go. Thankfully Kirby is fine and at home and Deb is here with me. We also have Piper and Sawyer with us which is awesome too. Although even the dogs don’t escape the criticism. My mother has told Piper she is fat about 6 or times per day since we got her. I can only imagine how poisoned her mind must be that she wants to put us through this hell.