The power of mothers

Mothers have great power. Some mothers choose to use their power for good. They support and empower their children. Good mothers recognize and celebrate the strengths and accomplishments of their children while supporting them through any difficulties they may experience. Sadly, I do not have a mother like this.

Instead, I have a mother who belittles me at every opportunity. Deb says it is because she can’t stand how smart I am. She knows I am sick and today is a particularly bad day. I have to take powerful laxatives from time to time to make sure that my system does not cease up due to medication. I can’t take the medication I need if things are not moving. This is actually not a colitis symptom. I also have Irritable Bowel Syndrome which, of course, exacerbates the whole situation. Someone accidentally tracked poop in the house. Deb said she would clean it up but instead my mother handed me a brush and the carpet cleaner and said “here this will keep you out of trouble.” She knows I am sick, really sick today and bending straight over at the waist puts huge pressure on my sciatica and my bowel. Agony. I was in tears.

She has an ability to make me cry easily. Over the years, I have gotten better and she is not really as able to do this but not right now. I am not strong right now. I know that. I knew that before we got here. Most years I am really good at keeping the peace. I am not able to do that this year. I am also not able to see the little pitfalls she puts in my place. She has managed to pack more crap into 2 days than she usually does in a 4 or 5 day visit.

My anxiety level is completely ramped up because of pain and my lack of emotional stability. She has a way of getting me when I least expect and she can seriously destroy my self-esteem when I am here. This brings up all sorts of negative thoughts I would not think otherwise. I think part of the reason I embrace work while I am here is because it is a touchstone for me that brings me back to my reality. My mom is out with Deb (poor Deb) doing some errands. I will be back under control by the time they get back because I will not allow that women to know that I cried.

I am also so grateful that Deb stayed. I told her she could go to be with Kirby if necessary but of course I did not want her to go. Thankfully Kirby is fine and at home and Deb is here with me. We also have Piper and Sawyer with us which is awesome too. Although even the dogs don’t escape the criticism. My mother has told Piper she is fat about 6 or times per day since we got her. I can only imagine how poisoned her mind must be that she wants to put us through this hell.

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Published in: on June 3, 2010 at 12:06 pm  Comments (6)  
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6 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I feel your pain, Chris. And, because of that, I strive everyday to encourage my children, work through mistakes with them and not belittle them, and tell them I’m so lucky to be their mother! I will do this with my children until they day I die…if I’m in my 80’s and they’re in their 50’s…I’ll tell them how proud I am and that they make me feel lucky! My next generation will know how love feels! Stay strong and I’m glad you have Deb.

  2. Bitch Bitch Bitch. Chris’ mom’s a bitch. Sorry Chris.
    If only she realized that creating all of that needless stress just makes the colitis worse.
    I am glad that Piper and Sawyer are there. Deb too.
    How does she react when you try to make a boundary and tell her what is acceptable and what is not?
    I gather telling her to fuck off does not work.
    Sigh.
    All are fine here.

  3. Perhaps you have already answered this in a previous blog posting and I just missed it, but why do you go there? Every time you go there you are miserable and it’s clearly bad for both your physical and mental health. Why not just say, “I won’t visit as long as you treat me this way”?

    • Duty. That is the only reason. She is a widow, alone and that is just how I was raised and what is expected. I wish I could do that or tell her I am not going to do it but it does not work that way. I can’t imagine it…I wish I could.

  4. The best thing I ever did was to kick my toxic family member out of my life (over 10 years ago now). It was tough and continues to be tough at times as it’s never been appreciated that I changed “the norm”. But I simply had to come to terms with the fact that this person was toxic to me and I had to love myself enough to allow myself to cut off all ties.
    It’s not been easy, it’s not been appreciated, at times it has been very painful as other family members have been caused pain by this but they are all willing to put up with the toxic member and don’t do anything to change the situation. I simply had to stand up for me and put a stop to it for me and my life.
    BEST thing I ever did! And while it takes courage, I hope that you too will allow yourself to cut out the toxic parts in your life. It’s not about duty Chris, you are allowing it because it’s the safest thing to do. Turmoil with people like that appears to be worse than just putting up with things, but it’s actually far worse.
    I think you and Deb deserve to live in peace and be treated with love and respect.
    Think about it.

  5. Your mom sounds incredibly self centered,selfish and well, unhappy. Who takes pleasure out of hurting those she should be loving the most??

    My mom and I used to have a similar situation until my Dad recognized it some 15 years ago and called her on it. Things have changed.

    Have never been hearts and roses close but at least now she keeps her mouth shut with the hurtful stuff.

    I only wish your mom could do the same.


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