I am sure it is no big surprise that I have been struggling with my adoption. Having met both of my biological parents in January, I have come away with some understanding. However, now I have different questions.
As adopted child, I had many fantasies growing up about my biological mother. I used to dream that she would come and rescue me from the hell that was my childhood. She would be so nice and understanding as she took me away apologizing. I would be very understanding and we would live happily ever after. Except it never happened. Instead I grew up in a family where I felt like an alien. They spoke and emotional language I just didn’t get. I have struggled with anxiety issues my whole life and I wonder now if this was the reason. I also never felt like I fit in. I still feel like that a lot of the time. The only place I really feel like I belong and I am understood is at home. Not fitting in with your family as a child must have a profound effect on a child.
The theme of fitting in has been very present in my life. Whether I am feeling frustrated because I never really developed the ability to blend with other people or I change and bend me to try to fit in. Regardless, I have never been successful at it. I could always get along with other people but I always felt like I was on the periphery never quite getting it. At times this has caused me no end of heartache when I have been in situations where I have compromised what I know to be true and right for me to gain the approval of others. Missing out on that fundamental experience has profoundly affected my life.
I never had fantasies about meeting my biological father. In fact, I never even really thought about him until I received my identifying information and I had his name. I did not have any preconceived notions about what he would be like when I talked to him and when we subsequently met. While I definitely see a physical resemblance, personality-wise we are night and day. I have only seen him once so maybe, once I get to know him a little better, maybe I will see glimpses of myself.
Meeting my biological mother certainly gave me more answers. I could see where some of my personality came from. I used to think I acquired my work ethic watching my mother go to work every day. Now I see that while this might have had an effect, there may have been a larger genetic hard wiring. Like me, she approaches life from a very linear place. Needless to say, our meeting did not even come close to my fantasy. I was very emotional when I first spoke to her on the phone. I was in tears. She said, of me locating her, “I’m not unhappy to have been found.” She is having a lot of difficulty dealing with the emotions the reunion has brought up for her. Having never told anyone that she had a baby she relinquished for adoption, she really has no skills to handle this trauma. I don’t think she has ever dealt with the trauma she experienced. Literally no one in her life knows this about her. It also seems that she never had a long-term intimate relationship. I believe that intimate relationships are key to out adult development. Experiencing love and intimacy helps us learn who we are and what we need. She has never done this and it shows. She is extremely set in her ways and does not seem to see the potential of a familial relationship with me as a positive thing. I hope this changes over time.
I used to see adoption as a rosy outcome to a bad situation. A woman needing to give up a child and that child going to parents who really want it. While this situation works well for the adults involved, I am not sure it is a great thing for the baby. I recently learned that I was over 4 months old before I was finally placed in my adoptive home. I really wonder what I lost in that 4 months of not having my mother or my adoptive mother.