So, what does one do when you wake up with a message to call your oncologist, or in my case The Oncologist™. I had a liver scan yesterday. I was concerned about the scan yesterday because they had come out to reposition me at one point. I wasn’t sure what my feeling meant and I put it aside after the good news about the finalization (finally).Unfortunately, we didn’t get the news we wanted. Well, we kind of did. I thought they were just looking at my liver as the next place it would go. I did not realize that they were checking other things – like my lungs. Turns out I have at least 15 tumours in my lungs that are about 1 ½ cms in size. I am not really sure what this means but The Oncologist™ has said that my chemo will still go ahead as it is the correct of treatment in this case.
For most of this year, I have been having little existential crises. Nothing that would require counselling or anything like that but more of a sense of why we continue doing this thing called living life over and over again. Why is the world such a shitty place? What is our purpose in being here and what happens after we are gone. I really have no answers.I sometimes feel like just a rodent on a treadmill,doing the same shit day after day without much changing. Perhaps if I did not feel the need to stick to as many routines as I do, life would be more exciting. Sadly, I don’t think that’s going to change any time soon.
Even though this was not the development we had hoped for, the next year is pretty set. The treatment we talked about on Tuesday is the treatment that I will do. The hope is that those tumours shrink.I will likely be bald fairly quickly as I don’t have that much hair to lose.I’ve had a good look at the side effects and I have been through most of these with ulcerative colitis. They could be worse with the chemo for sure. What I do know about my body and my response to disease in general, is that I am a fighter. I once worked from hospital bed. Once I even wrote a gaming grant in reverse isolation at Royal Columbian. In hindsight, it was not my finest hour and really exemplified how I did not value myself or my health.I have been a people pleaser for as long as I can remember.
This time, I am doing things differently. I am done with work which feels great. I loved my job and what we were doing but I couldn’t take the stress of knowing that people were waiting on me to get things done. Right now, my job is to get be as well as I can be and I can only do that if I have 100% control over my schedule.
I keep wondering what’s the difference between today and yesterday. And the answer is not much. I’ve likely had all of these tumours for a while. I have been having trouble with my asthma since the summer forest fire smoke last year and I couldn’t shake it. I mentioned it to my doctor but she didn’t hear any wheezing.
So, what does all this mean? At this point, I am not really sure. I am grateful that I live in Canada where I can have access to good medical care. Even more, I am indebted to my surgeonwho sent me to the The Oncologist™ who happens to work out of my local hospital a day a week. It means we get to drive 10-15 minutes instead of 40-50 in traffic. And, I can see that it’s the nurses who are going to get me through this. I can imagine that within about 2 weeks, Deb will be baking cookies, know everyone’s names, life stories and what’s important to them. She will know where the stash of heated blankets is kept and everyone will be laughing. Hell we may even get The Oncologist™ to smile.
How can it take anyone 41 months to execute a simple estate?
Because, I guess if I had answers it wouldn’t be an existential crisis anymore, it would just be a crisis.
Or at our house, a hedgehog on a noisy treadmill.
I am not sure if they disappear ever.
And, for the love of god, if anyone shaves their head in solidarity I will not be pleased, unless it’s a kid.
We did get that grant though!
Which I don’t have anymore because I won’t be having surgery.
Days since breast cancer diagnosis: 41