As we get closer to January 7, the date of my MAiD procedure, I am finding that I am increasingly ready to go. My initial date that I wanted and that wouldn’t work was December 18. I was ready on December 18. My mind is almost always flooded with thoughts of dying. When something comes up that bugs me, I just let it go now because I am not going to be here and I don’t care.
What does get me though is all the things I am going to miss out on. I don’t get to watch my friends’ children to grow up.1 I did get to mostly see Heather’s M grow up and N partially. Jennifer’s M has grown up to be a thoughtful and intelligent young woman and S is well on his way.2 As a woman who never had children, I have been able to live vicariously through my mother friends.
The other things that I have FOMO about are mostly politics/pop culture:
- I don’t get to see season 3 of The Handmaid’s tale.
- Will enough Republicans come together to impeach Trump.
- Will JT be re-elected?3 And if so, by how much of a margin? Andrew Scheer doesn’t stand a chance with his permanent grin that makes people not take him seriously, and Jasmeet Singh doesn’t quite have the chops yet to take on a Trudeau who was nursed at the political table. There is nothing he does without being several steps ahead, politically, than his opponents. Just ask Rachel Notley.
Then there are the things that I need to be rid of:
- Pain – which has increased by 50% in the last week. I am going into week 2 needing breakthrough medication at least 3-4 times a day.
- Coughing – I am sure the tumours are back in my lungs. I am coughing but not yet short of breath. I am using my inhalers a few times a day.
- I am very unstable on my feet. When I stand up, I have to wait for a moment to get my legs under me.
- I am tired of being exhausted and anxious. I am tired of sleeping 12-14 hours a day,
The things I am enjoying:
- Crocheting – I am so happy to have it back. Right now I am making as many dishcloths as I can. It gives me the opportunity to use new patters and colours. Plus they are really quick.
- Watching TV.
- Playing games on my computer and listening to music.
- Eating when I am can.
There are many things I feel bad about but over which I have no control. As an atheist I don’t believe anything happens to us when we die. We don’t go to heaven, hell or purgatory we just cease to exist. I feel bad for my family, especially my wife, Angelina and Joe who are going to mourn my passing. I know there are lots of people who are going to grieve my death.4 I wish there was something I could do to ease the pain that I know is coming. I am trying to fill them up before I did. I hate to leave my dogs behind but I know they will looked after very well.
One other thing about MAiD is that I wish people would stop questioning my choice. I get admonished to not be so negative. There could be a cure on January 8 but I will be dead. There will be no cure any time soon. I simply cannot carry as I am. Very soon, I will bed-ridden and unable to wipe my ass. This is not acceptable to me. I even had an ER doctor question my decision and ask if I was really ready to go on January 8. I am ready. Don’t get me wrong, it’s going to be one of the hardest tings I ever have to do when I give the instructions to go ahead.5
1 I keep waiting for the day that Lisa and Oliver realize that B is smatter than them. I think like will be easier then for them!
2 If I have forgotten anyone please let me know and blame the cancer brain.
3 I believe he will win without any difficulties.
4 I know. I keep hearing from them. LOL.
5 I am so done. After 13 years of ulcerative colitis and now cancer, I can’t do anymore and nor should I be expected to live this painful, sick existence any longer.