Conundrum

I have been suffering a little bit of a blog block the last couple of days. I can’t seem to blog about anything until I purge this out of my system – so here goes.

I am pissed off. I seem to have managed to end up with 2 mothers, neither of whom is very interested in me. This is not news with my adoptive mother. She is much more interested in my sister. She wants her approval and she wants to spend time with her. When I am around, Deb is definitely her favourite daughter. I have come to terms with this as it has always been like this in our family. It doesn’t matter what I accomplish because I am not my sister. This is not news. I have dealt with this my entire life.

Being adopted, I had a vision of what my birth mother would be like. I envisioned her being smart, witty and interested in what I had to say. I thought she would be relieved to finally have contact with me and that we would be able to spend some serious time together. I want to get to know her. Going out for dinner[1] was fine in the beginning but it is superficial and getting old. No one really relaxes and you have wait staff interrupting at inopportune moments. We have had several dinners out and nothing really moves forward. Our best visit was when she came out for lunch one afternoon.

Communication from her is sporadic at best. I haven’t seen her since the end of March. She does not initiate contact nor does she respond to emails in a timely manner. She does not want to drive to Maple Ridge, as she doesn’t like to drive at night. We have offered to pick her up and take her home but she doesn’t want to do that either. We have offered our guest room but she says no. I invited her to watch the Survivor finale last weekend which would have had her on her way by 7pm but she wouldn’t do that either.

So I find myself in a place where I still don’t have a mother type that meets my needs in any way. However, I am strong and can deal with this but that is not really the issue here. I feel like I have lost my fantasy and gained absolutely nothing. I have been patient, understanding that she needed time to come to terms with being found. I know she has a lot of shame around getting pregnant and I know she has never really dealt with this in any concrete way. I am clear that though that the current situation is not tenable for me.

 


[1] Which is pretty much all she wants to do.