Day 116 – the ‘it was biopsy day’ edition

So, I had the biopsy. I am not going to lie. I have been through far too many medical procedures and I start to cry when they say they are going to stick needles into me. I asked if Deb could come in and they said no. I think that’s inhumane. They are asking women to submit to an invasive taking of her tissue and you won’t let her wife hold her hand. What the fuck is that about? Also, why do doctors insist on doing these procedures without offering the patients the chose of having something that will calm them? Fuck, even dentists now offer ‘sedation’ which also has the great after effect of you not remembering fuck all about the procedure. The worst part was the anesthetic. But by that time I was upset even though I had 2 mgs of ativan on board.

I asked the doctor about the statement on the report that there is a 95% chance that the tumour is malignant she said that the percentage represented how suspicious they were about it. I wonder what would have to happen for them to be 100% sure. It turns out that the changes in my skin are likely the result of autoimmune disease – nothing to do with the tumour.

So the tumour, the fucking tumour, has adhered to my chest wall. I have no idea what it means. They said that’s why I am feeling pain in my pectoral muscle. I asked if radical bi-lateral mastectomy was going to be the likely course of action and she said yes. So, if that’s what needs to happen they girls will go. I have no interest in having one removed and reconstructing the second only to likely have more complications from that. I am weird, if something bad, strange or very, very fucking rare exists it will happen to me.

I have to say I am really fucking angry about this. My whole life I have done what other people wanted me to do. I have had the good jobs, I have worked hard, I have stayed when I should have left and I have sacrificed myself for my family. Now, right at the moment when I have quit my job with the plan to become a life coach, I get fucking breast cancer? What kind of cosmic joke is that? So my plans get put on hold while I fight yet another disease. I already don’t feel well because of ulcerative colitis and the 5 or 6 other autoimmune diseases I have now you have to give my cancer? I am already fucking anemic. I already feel like I have the flu most of the time. This should be so much fucking fun.

What I am figuring out right away is that I am going to be alone in this. This is not to mean that I don’t have support (Deb and Angelina) and great friends (you all know who you are) but ultimately, I will lay alone in that little room while they biopsy my breast. Alone.

I am going to need a shit ton of benzos to get through this shit.

May 4