Aziz Ansari and Enthusiastic Consent

Aziz_iKQ1qg1I am sure by now most people have read the account of ‘Grace’s’ date and subsequent sexual encounter with Aziz Ansari. There have been a plethora of articles and blog posts written over the last several days trying to parse whether Ansari’s behaviour crossed over into sexual assault. In case you don’t want to read this whole blog post, I believe it was sexual assault.

Goal Orientated Dating

From the very beginning of their evening together, it seemed that Ansari had one goal – to have sex with Grace. This is evidenced by the quick dinner and return to the apartment where he promptly began to inflict sexual activity on her. Even though she said several times she wasn’t into it, he would back off only to begin again. At one point, they even get dressed and Ansari still continues to impose his sexual behaviour on Grace. How many times did she have to say no or say she was not comfortable with what was happening for him to get the message. Many commenters pass judgement on Grace’s behaviour, asking why didn’t she leave. Who knows, and more importantly that was Grace’s decision to make. Perhaps she hoped that he would become a human being and hear what she was saying.

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Another trope that’s being trotted out is that younger women get themselves into these situations because they do not have the experience of women my age who were taught to become wives and mothers. These women reason that young women are putting themselves into situations where men can take advantage of them. The bottom line is that men have been raping and assaulting women regardless of what women are taught. This is just another kind of victim blaming. The responsibility for sexual assault rests solely with the perpetrator.

One of the Good Guys

Aziz Ansari has always been seen as one of the good guys. He supports the #metoo movement, he identifies with feminism and his TV show has confronted many of these issues. What’s clear is that like other men, Ansari has a belief that he is entitled to sex. He continually breaches Grace’s boundaries even though she states them very clearly. You would think that putting clothes back on means nothing more is going to happen. But for some reason Ansari didn’t get the message.

Enthusiastic Consent

It makes no sense to me why men would want to have sex with women who are not enthusiastically engaged in sexual activity. What’s the point of having sex with someone who’s not into it? To me, that would be boring. But what do I know, I’m a woman.

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Published in: on January 17, 2018 at 5:46 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Day 13

Today is the 3rd anniversary of my mother’s death. In the last 3 years there have been periods of ups and down. This is not surprising as my relationship with her was always abusive and fraught with danger. I never knew when she would say something cruel and cutting. Sometimes she could be nice but nothing ever came without a price. My mother decimated my self-esteem pretty much right up until the day she died. I realized that many of my less desirable qualities actually stem from how I was raised.

From the time I can remember, my mother told me I was fat. I look back of pictures, expecting to see this huge child, and I don’t. I was a pretty normal-sized kid. At 8 years old I am taken to weight watchers by my mother and my grandmother. I follow their diet and I gain weight. The brain trust (mother and grandmother) decide I should eat less food than the child and youth diet so they put me on the women’s diet. I still gain weight. They decide I am cheating and from that moment on, they never believe anything I say, especially about my weights. Spending my life not being believed at even the most basic level turned me into someone who would explain, make excuses, rationalize even when there was no need. I have suffered so much anxiety from believing that people are suspicious of me for no good reason. This has also turned me into a people pleaser. I stayed in a job for 5 years where I was consistently treated very badly and didn’t leave even when I could see the affects it was having on my health.

I have also realized that my life probably wouldn’t have been much different if I had been brought up by my birth mother. She was likely no more equipped to raise children than my adoptive mother. Coming to that realization has really helped me to accept that my birth mother will never be who I needed her to be. I needed her to rescue me from the hell that was my childhood.

Ok, on to today’s picture:

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Published in: on January 17, 2018 at 2:34 pm  Comments (1)  

Day 12

A little different perspective…

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Published in: on January 16, 2018 at 4:38 pm  Leave a Comment  

Day 11

I want to thank everyone who commented so positively on yesterday’s photo. It was the hardest one so far for me to post. I really appreciate the support.

I love Mondays – but only when I don’t have to work! Today is one of those Mondays. Oh and get used to the plaid! It’s the shirt I wear to keep warm in my office.

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Published in: on January 15, 2018 at 3:38 pm  Leave a Comment  

Day 10

Welcome to day 10! My blog hasn’t seen this much activity in years.

This picture is not a selfie but I like it anyway. I love my relationship with Stevie. She makes me laugh numerous times a day with her antics and silliness. She is one of the most human-focused dogs I have ever known. She knows when we all need a little extra TLC.

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Published in: on January 14, 2018 at 4:21 pm  Leave a Comment  

Day 9

We have a routine here at The Swamp. Sawyer was born with a congenital liver shunt that means the enzymes he needs to digest his food don’t really make it into his belly. Everyday he has to have a pill. Sawyer is a notoriously picky eater. He rarely will take treats and if there is a pill in one he will be forever suspicious so there is no hiding them. We tried a pill popper and that didn’t work.

So, we had to resort to shoving it down his throat. This is my job. Everyday we do the ‘good boy’ routine. I go around the house asking if we have a ‘good boy’. Sawyer dances around and gets all excited (so do the other dogs, especially Ozzy) then all of a sudden I ‘see’ him and he goes nuts. Then I get him to sit or hop up on the couch or something, pry his mouth open and stick the pill down this throat and the part resumes with wild abandon. Sometimes he will take a treat chaser but more of the time he doesn’t. In essence, I have trained him to come to me, to sit, have his mouth opened and a pill shoved down his throat.

Never, ever discount the power of the party when dealing with dogs. This selfie was taken right after his pill.

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Published in: on January 13, 2018 at 1:12 pm  Leave a Comment  

Day 8

Here is my happy Friday, ‘I need a haircut’ picture. Yah for Friday! #365feministselfie

 

Photo on 2018-01-12 at 2.42 PM #2

Published in: on January 12, 2018 at 2:46 pm  Leave a Comment  

Day 7

Woo hoo! I’ve done a whole week of pictures. I fear this is going to be a long and boring project for everyone because I work at home and rarely have to go out. I am guessing I am going to have to try to be creative. My apologies in advance!

Hard pain day today. #365feministselfie

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Published in: on January 11, 2018 at 6:11 pm  Leave a Comment  

Day 6

My snickering at something funny being said on the CBC. I am such a cliché.

Photo on 2018-01-10 at 12.41 PM

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Published in: on January 10, 2018 at 12:47 pm  Leave a Comment  

Day 5

Me, pre-tea. Never my best look. #365feministselfie

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Published in: on January 9, 2018 at 1:59 pm  Leave a Comment